Wages of Sin

Yo peeps, i just read this from the Star and i thought it was really funny, so wanted to share it with you:
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Mary Schneider, from But then Again:

i’m sure most of us are familiar with the seven deadly sins: lust, gluttony, avarice, sloth, anger, envy and pride. Sad to say, on any given day, I commit a number of these sins before lunch time rolls around, at least one more while actually eating lunch, and a few more (especially sloth) shortly after finishing my meal.

If I were a practicing Catholic, I would go to church and confess my sins. Indeed, I’m sure I would spend an inordinate amount of time in the confession box talking about my daily transgressions. You see, besides being slothful, I’m also a bit of a glutton, harbour lusty thoughts on a regular basis, have a bit of a temper and ? well, that’s enough confessing for one day.

Since I’m not a Catholic, I don’t prescribe to the notion that I will be damned through all eternity if I don’t confess to such transgressions. People might cross the road to avoid saying hello to me, some married women might lock up their husbands whenever I’m in town, and my thighs might take on tree trunk proportions, but nothing bad is going to happen to me after I die just because I occasionally eat too much and harbour so called “impure thoughts” from time to time.

If I subscribed to the notion that I will go to Hell for my un-confessed sins, I might also believe that each un-confessed sin brings with it its own brand of torture once I’m down there. According to The Picture Book of Devils, Demons and Witchcraft, by Ernst and Johanna Lehner, people found guilty of lust will be smothered in fire and brimstone, while those who have succumbed to avarice will pay for their greedy ways by being put in a cauldron of boiling oil. However, slothful Catholics will have a slightly easier time because they will only be thrown into a pit full of snakes. If there’s one thing guaranteed to get a lazy person on the move, it’s a writhing mass of venomous vipers.

If I were a believer, my gluttony would result in me being forced to eat rats, toads and snakes. If deemed overly proud, I would be broken on the wheel; while my bad temper would result in me being dismembered alive (I know I would be technically dead at this stage, but I would be alive in the sense that I would feel pain in Hell); and envy would see me being plunged into freezing water. I always got the impression that Hell was an incredibly hot place, but I’m sure there must be some sort of refrigeration down there to facilitate the freezing of water for the envious people.

As if these sins aren’t hard enough to abstain from (and I’m only speaking for myself here), recent reports on the Internet, many of them from reputable news agencies, claim that the Vatican has come up with another seven sins that need to be added to the original seven – to reflect our failings in the age of globalisation. The new sins, which were actually published in the Vatican’s newspaper, sent a clear message to those who traffic in and take drugs, carry out genetic modification, conduct experiments on humans, cause social injustice, cause poverty, amass too much money and pollute the environment.

Bishop Gianfranco Girotti, head of the Vatican body which oversees confessions and plenary indulgences said, “You offend God not only by stealing, blaspheming or coveting your neighbour’s wife, but also by ruining the environment, carrying out morally debatable scientific experiments, or allowing genetic manipulations which alter DNA or compromise embryos.”
As I read these reports, I did wonder if the Pope was about to abandon his Pope mobile in favour of a more environmentally friendly mode of transport. Or if people like Bill Gates and Oprah Winfrey were being frowned upon by His Holiness because of the obscene amounts of money they had amassed. Never mind that they also contribute hugely to charitable causes. One good deed does not cancel out a sin.

“All lies,” says the Vatican. Actually, that’s not true either; I’m just paraphrasing.

It seems that Bishop Girotti’s opinions were “misinterpreted in the media as an official Vatican update to the seven deadly sins, laid out by Pope Gregory the Great in the sixth century.”

So for the time being, it’s still safe to pollute the environment and corrupt the lives of the weak by selling them drugs, but that extra piece of chicken won’t just go straight to your thighs, it will also have you going straight to hell.

Unless, of course, you confess and perform penitence.
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Cheers!